Dirty Churches is:
Alex Beard - fresh nuts and berries
John Dalessi - organic broccoli
Jesse Gelaznik - warm meat
Josef Robinson - free popcorn
Stephonik - hot tamales and honorary member

From the bowels of the darkest night came a cacophony of pure terror. It was as if a beast composed of only knives and blood had awoken to howl, scratch, and cough. This din shook the surface of the earth, causing a massive earthquake and a series of deadly tidal waves. The sky bled and the seas boiled. During this tremendous chaos, a series of instruments slid through the emerging cracks in the earth to find themselves burning in the fiery depths of hell. Luckily, the wuzzzer; inglfiksu*(an elite tribe of traveling musicians doomed to roam the endless countryside in search of the true masters of these instruments that had unfortunately burned in the great fire of 1666) had crafted and forged these instruments out of pure harmonic vibration. Years slowly passed and the earth gradually healed from the wounds inflicted by that brutal sound. Human beings re-emerged from their caves to travel and enjoy the bounties of a peaceful and beautiful planet. It was during this period that four young travelers decided to find the courage to explore the insides of the great volcano known as "Broken Fender." Their names were Alex Beard, Joe Robinson, John Dalessi, and Jesse Gelaznik. These brave souls had been descending into Broken Fender for nearly 7 days when they heard a deafening electric swell. They immediately clung to the sides of the sweltering rock walls that entrapped them. The volcano then released a belch of lava and heat. Unscathed by the volcano's attempts, the travelers realized the lava had left behind a fender jazzmaster, fender stratocaster, casio key board, and a full drum kit. They immediately realized their true destinies, to channel the sounds of the apocalyptic beast for recording and performance purposes. From that day and forth they would be known as the Dirty Churches and would reside in Brooklyn New York.

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